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reclusive and empty feels right for me

by Old Problems

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1.
I tried to keep my head from shipwreck but these old problems came flooding back. Do you miss me all the time, when you open and shut your green eyes? Do you miss me? Zachary's house two years ago. Why can't I just grow up? I see you everywhere, in everyone, and in everything. I hear you in every drunken yell and Brand New song that we use to sing.
2.
apache relay 02:04
Juanita, things aren't going as smoothly as I'd hoped. I try to catch my breath but I only choke. In my head, I walk through Zachary's old neighborhood. I need another warm reminder that I didn't always feel this way. I didn't always feel this way. It's shitty how it all turned out with the things we don't talk about. Our parents, they did their best, but it won't stop the aching in our chests. Sometimes I feel like I'm not enough. I know that I can be an asshole, but I'm growing up on borrowed time. How can I love someone when I don't love myself?
3.
pipe dreams 02:36
Shut up in my apartment, thinking of what's now and who I use to be. Close the blinds, I can never seem to get enough sleep. Reclusive and empty feels right for me. All of our old pictures are torn. They've been weighing on me for too long. I can't help but count the ways I blew this one by one. I still feel last autumn's promises in the air. I'd rather be lost out off shore, as far as I can get from your front door. All of my best friend's words still can't fix all of this. I would give anything for this to be over.
4.
bottle kids 02:35
This taste of stale blood still in my mouth brings me back to when things first went south. What's the point in anything? Nothing lasts forever when promises always break so easily. I can't mislead myself another day longer, a year without you has made me anything but stronger. You'd always tell me not to rely on you to be happy, but your heart still refuses to give me back me. I'll gouge out my eyes in hopes they forget the warmth you once gave them. I don't want to fill another page with everything that we've been through. This past year has been hell, and this is what my life has come to.
5.
Waking up this morning was the hardest thing I've had to do (I know I should have seen this coming, but I had no idea). I can't stand my own lack of understanding of how to make someone happy. This house doesn't feel the same without you to make it home (I did this to myself again). I can't stand on my own feet without you there to hold them down. The things you said, and the things I meant are worth forgetting. They're worthless. Everything that I say takes a different part of me, and everything that I've lost still feels so lost. Part of me wishes things were the same. Part of me knows that I am to blame. You said you loved me like I loved you, now I know that isn't true. That one room I wish I could forget. You turned your back to save your face.
6.
hunger pains 04:49
Are you happy now? You've finally got what you wanted. I give up completely. I can't sleep when you still fucking haunt me. I don't want to hear the sound of your voice in my head going over and over. In my dreams you're still here with me. We sing the same old songs, like we were striving for so much more. Between the hunger pains and wage slave life it's no wonder I want to stay inside. You wrecked your car the other day, part of me was glad you were okay, but most of me wished you forgot your seatbelt so you could know just how I've felt. Do you feel this? Does it comfort you? It's late September, all of our friends are crammed inside my tiny apartment. You blow out your candles and then you turn to me. Feel this? I don't. I tried, you won't.
7.
silver medal 03:47
It is too bad that our bodies will die so long before their time. I'm not sure what I miss, you or your innocence. I'm so sick of this routine that's left me buried. Life's become a shit movie on repeat where it's always him, never me. I'm cycling through all of these bad dreams. I did this to myself. I never needed your help. I wish you never said those words to me. Mom, your old habits are making sense. You were so hurt when he left. Regrets and half smoked cigarettes. Six months of trying to live with this. I wonder what you talk about with him. I was such a stupid kid, always saying things I never meant. All your regrets and half smoked cigarettes.
8.
handwriting 02:02
This winter came too soon. I'm still singing songs in the same sad tune. You're not the person I knew last year. I stay as far as I can get from the bathroom mirror. Watching "A New Hope" with my roommate is the only thing that keeps me sane. I hate these gray clouds. I guess I'll hide from the rain. I'll fall apart and float away in five hundred pieces. I'll fall apart and you'll wish I was everything I never was.
9.
I don't know how I can control this increasing hole in my gut. When I sigh more than I speak it's hard to find the joy in anything. No matter how many miles I put between us the memories are still there with all the childish bull shit that made you leave before. I started strong out of the gate, but I lost myself along the way. Erase these fresh feelings from my head. Erase every fucking letter you've still never read. I reach out across the bed but you're not there. I ask myself, why did I wake up alive? I hate myself and I owe that to you.

credits

released August 15, 2022

Cover art by Dante Araujo

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Old Problems San Marcos, Texas

Too sweet screamo from Texas
2012-2015

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